Contestants

• Conor Travers

  Conor Travers, a classically trained trumbonist, is third in line to the throne of England, after Prince Charles and Derek from Big Brother. Raised in a small palace in Scunthorpe, Conor spent much of his youth training to be a knight. Sadly, the end of the mediaeval era in 1954 put paid to his greatest ambition, and he was forced into a life of Goatdown. He also wears a wig.

  Record: 4 wins from 5 with 546 points for, 414 against.

• Dan Harris

  Dan Harris was born in a swamp, the daughter of a zebra and the son of a gun. He resided there quite happily until 2004, when the swamp was erroneously added to President Bush's Axis of Evil and duly invaded by some over-enthusiastic knights, keen to impress their king. Dan was evicted and tossed on to the streets of Paris, where passers-by would mock his greasy beard and stripy backside. One day, a particularly cruel Parisian pelted him with a Rubik's Cube, but for Dan, it was love at first sight. By some process unknown, his many hours of cube-twiddling also caused him to become quite phenomenol at Goatdown. He is the current Overlord.

  Record: 4 wins from 5 with 556 points for, 469 against.

• Kirk Bevins

  Arguably the greatest Goatdowner of all time, Kirk Bevins's history is shrouded in mystery. He was found on a rollercoaster by a young hairdresser named Ernie. Ernie took in the nascent Kirk and fostered his talent into something quite exceptional. At the age of eighteen, Kirk was allowed to leave the house for the first time, whereupon he got a 180 in darts and boned twelve girls, all in one day. There was also an incident with Richard Pay that my legal team have advised me not to mention. Kirk is an ardent atheist, and his catchphrases include "I was touched by an angel", "Jesus tugged at my heartstrings" and "The Holy Spirit sucked my phallus." Kirk was the first Overlord, a title he successfully defended only once, and it remains to be seen whether he can return to this great heights.

  Record: 6 wins from 7 with 607 points for, 524 against.

• Jude Peters

  The daughter of a voodoo priestess, Jude Peters began life in the dark heart of Africa. Ironically, her chain-smoking habit has left her with a dark heart of her own, and it is estimated that she will not live past the age of nine. Jude turned to Goatdown when it became obvious that her preferred career as a bearded lady in the circus was never going to make her the riches she so desired. Since then, she has earnt an impressive £0, and as Goatess Judia I was the first female Overlord. It is thought that she has a smell somewhat reminiscent of burnt oranges, but this has not been confirmed.

  Record: 4 wins from 7 with 489 points for, 504 against.

• Jon O'Neill

  Record: 1 win from 2 with 171 points for, 163 against.

• Ben Wilson

  Ben Wilson was created when an experiment to reanimate the corpse of Josef Stalin went tragically right. Two thousand volts were passed across Ben's testicles, and he remains hypersexed to this day, impregnating an average of one women every fourteen metric seconds. However, his creator was not happy with having brought one of the greatest murderers of the Twentieth Century back to life; he also imbued Ben with an encyclopaedic knowledge of high-probability seven-letter words which could never be erased. An erratic genius, Ben never misses an episode of Angela Anaconda, and has memorised the entire first series in binary.

  Record: 0 wins from 3 with 174 points for, 220 against.

• Jon Stitcher

  From his humble origins as a Taiwanese lap dancer, Jon Stitcher has reached heights of Goatdown that few can even dream of. His story begins when he was approached by a one-legged ninja while working the streets of Taipei, who asked the impressionable Stitcher to be his apprentice. Looking for a way out of his life of poverty and ill-fitting thongs, Stitcher at once agreed, and the ninja took him to his underground lair to begin training. No one knows what happened next, but it was sweaty. Ten years later, with his family having long since assumed his death, Stitcher returned to the surface, and proved his skill in the art of Kendo, and more importantly Goatdown. Since then, he has successfully lost to Conor Travers and Kirk Bevins.

  Record: 1 win from 3 with 206 points for, 235 against.

• Craig Beevers

  Record: 1 win from 2 with 170 points for, 153 against.

• James Martin

  James Martin used to run a hat shop while fighting crime at night, but after the stock market crash, he decide to dip his toes into the cooling waters of Goatdown. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that he was allergic to water, and latex, and he now lives in a small bedsit in Grimsby.

  Record: 0 wins from 1 with 56 points for, 92 against.

• Jim Bentley

  Little is known about the early years of Jim Bentley, but rumours persist that he is really a grossly oversized lemming. If this is the case then he is indisputably the greatest rodent ever to play Goatdown, as he reached the semi-final of the inaugural tournament before losing to eventual winner Kirk Bevins. Other rumours of limited veracity include that: he styles his hair with guacamole; he once ate a caravan; he invented Scotland. It is likely that all of these are true.

  Record: 1 win from 2 with 137 points for, 145 against.

• Dan Stickler

  Record: 0 wins from 1 with 42 points for, 60 against.

• Gary Male

  Gary Male first came to the attention of the British public when he presented 100 Greatest Legumes on Channel 4, but his reputation is a broadcaster and playboy is much longer than that. Now on his ninth marriage, Gary is rumoured to have slept with every woman in Hollywood - even Marilyn Manson. Gary now lives in Israel, and speaks fourteen languages, but his real passion is playing gimmicky word games on the Internet. His beard is secretly a map of Africa, but sadly Somalia was lost when he developed alopecia from drinking too much bleach.

  Record: 0 wins from 1 with 45 points for, 54 against.

• Damian Eadie

  Damian Eadie was expelled from his mother in the early hours of February 1st, 1881. This was a dark foreshadowing of things to come, as he was later expelled from school, the Conservative party, and finally the Lincolnshire Amateur Vegetable Growers Society. In Goatdown, he at last found a discipline in which he could excel without fear of expulsion, and excel he has, smashing all records for indifference and apathy. In his own jocular manner, Damian has repeatedly expressed his desire for Goatdown to "fuck off" and described all players of the game as "stupid fucking cunting fucks". He also likes acorns.

  Record: 0 wins from 1 with 74 points for, 89 against.

• Chris Philpot

  Chris Philpot is the illegitimate son of a full stop and a colon, and is referred to disparagingly as "halfcast" or "semicolon". Many people have tried to understand his unique mixture of Goatdown and Buddhism, but all have failed, and it is not certain that he even understands it himself. He is notable as the only Goatdown player who has served prison time, as he was held at her majesty's pleasure between the ages of four and eleven after an unfortunate misunderstand in which he beat to death the Ice Cream Factory from a local Pizza Hut, believing that it had been sent to destroy him. However, he is now a reformed character, and can often be seen helping old ladies across the road.

  Record: 1 win from 3 with 153 points for, 226 against.

• Anthony Endsor

  Anthony Endsor was sacrified to Zeus in 96BC. He has never recovered.

  Record: 0 wins from 1 with 57 points for, 100 against.

• Jerry Humphreys

  I woke up one morning with an insatiable desire for pizza. Pepperoni or hawaiian, it didn't matter, I just needed some of that tomato-paste-on-a-bread-base goodness. I scrambled for my wallet, and found I had the few pounds I needed to buy an entry-level pizza from that fine culinary establishment, the Co-Op. I jogged the sixty miles to the Co-Op, stopping only to catch a film with my beautiful wife, Henry. I arrived at the Co-Op to find the pizza of which I had dreamt for so long sitting alone on the shop shelf. Of course I purchased it at once, and began the long journey home. Upon returning to my humble caravan in Knightsbridge, I prepared the pizza in time-honoured fashion, adding a pinch of spice before baking, and just fifteen minutes later, it was ready. I removed mon amour from the oven and devoured it ravenously, not even stopping to extinguish the bushfire that had broken out in the bathroom. At last, I was replete. Nevertheless, Jerry Humphreys lives in Lemington Spa and does not like pizza.

  Record: 1 win from 1 with 60 points for, 42 against.